I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
