I wanna bring you to show and tell
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
