shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
