I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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