I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
