There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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