His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Randomize
