Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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