I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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