Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Congratulations! We have a period
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