two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
