Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
