U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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