I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
