shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
