I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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