Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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