I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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