Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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