he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
