I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
