im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
