I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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