Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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