I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
