This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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