the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
