how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
We just shotgunned beers for America
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
