Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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