I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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