genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
