Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
