There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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