I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I want a musical about memes.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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