I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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