I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
