I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Don't EVER smell your tampon
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
