I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I AM VODKA MAN
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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