Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
