So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
