awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
