went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
