Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
this hospital has no fireball
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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