people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
