I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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