How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
