Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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