Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
