I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
