The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
