So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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